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Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my personal and work life. It annoys my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve learned that therapy might benefit me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become harmful in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.